‘Real’ Political Satire: ‘Sacred Sperm’ Amendment Follows Mandatory Rectal Exam Bill in Fight Against Absurd Anti-Abortion Laws

Posted on February 8, 2012


Unless you’re depositing that sperm inside an actual vagina (not one of those flashlight ones), you could be breaking the law, according to  proposed legislation by an Oklahoma state senator.Yes, that means no masturbation, no swallowing, and no cream pies, either, dammit, because every sperm is sacred.

State Senator Constance Johnson of Oklahoma City attached the frightening legislation to OK bill 1433, the “Personhood Act” that seeks to define life as beginning at conception, giving full human rights to a fertilized egg, which would eventually set the stage for the anti-abortion wet dream of criminalizing all abortions as acts of murder. But Johnson felt that the absurd bill was missing an extension of its logical premise and added the following proposal:

“However, any action in which a man ejaculates or otherwise deposits semen anywhere but in a woman’s vagina shall be interpreted and construed as an action against an unborn child.”

Johnson made the proposal as a joke, intending to point out the absurdity of defining life as an egg with a sperm in it, and eventually pulled the legislation before the final vote. It’s not clear as to why her proposal wasn’t popular and she had to  “pull out.”  After all, her language isn’t that different than the anti-choice crowd’s. State sen. Brian Crane, the man who is trying to dictate Oklahoman wombs, wrote in bill 1433 that:

“The laws of this state shall be interpreted and construed to acknowledge on behalf of the unborn child at every stage of development all rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens and residents of this state.”

Johnson was not alone in trying to add subversive legislation to point out stupid legislation. Fellow pro-choice Democrat state senator Jim Wilson offered an amendment that would require the father of the fetus to be ” financially responsible for its mother’s health care, housing, transportation and nourishment while she is pregnant,” according to the Tulsa World.

Wilson manned up and left the amendment in, but legislators who want to pass laws to control women’s bodies didn’t like the idea of passing laws to pay for that control, and the amendment failed.

The use of fake absurd legislation to point out real absurd legislation comes days after state senator Janet Howell, a Democrat from Virginia tried to amend a bill that would require pregnant women seeking an abortion to undergo an ultrasound and see the image before they are allowed to terminate the pregnancy.

Upset by a law requiring women to undergo unnecessary medical procedures, Howell felt that men should not be left out and amended the bill to require men to have a rectal exam and cardiac stress test before getting a Viagra prescription for that erectile dysfunction.

According to the Virginian Pilot, Howell said that it’s “only fair, that if we’re going to subject women to unnecessary procedures, and we’re going to subject doctors to having to do things that they don’t think is medically advisory.”

Like the Oklahoma lawmakers who didn’t want to pass laws that made them pay for control of women’s bodies, Virginia lawmakers didn’t like the idea of fingers up their ass in order to shame women into staying pregnant , so they nixed the rectal bill but went ahead with the womb control bill.

Could this be a trend in the making? Has Stephen Colbert’s mockery of Citizens United inspired politicians to think of satirical ways to point out the hypocrisy and absurdity of the recent onslaught of right-wing legislation?

Maybe. It’s certainly effective in getting attention, as these politicians have managed to get themselves a bit of national press, even if it is only for a day or two, while having the chance to call out their fellow lawmakers for their stupidity.

However, what is sad is that these amendments get so easily tossed aside while the main piece of anti-choice legislation gets through. So while politicians like Johnson and Howell get praised in blogs like Jezebel and probably get a few campaign donations in the process, the other guys pushing these bills that restrict women’s rights still get their way.

As embarrassing as the Republican party is for Americans and Republicans themselves, the right-wing and corporatist organizations pulling the strings are still getting their way when it comes to the actual laws.

Recently, we have discussed what’s been going down in Florida with the prison privatization scandal, where it seems that the politicians CCA has bought and paid for are intent on serving their corporate master well.

Not even animals can escape the wrath of right-wing corporatism in Florida, as “ag-gag”  bills outlawing the use of a camera in a meat factory without the consent of the owner, which is pretty much a way of outlawing investigative journalism.

The Florida ag-gag bill was written at the “request” of the second-biggest chicken egg farmer in Florida. The egg tycoon also just happens to be running for state senate.

And of course, the anti-abortion bills, such as the Personhood Act, are pushed and funded in part by such anti-woman’s rights behemoths as the National Right to Life Committee, a multi-million dollar “nonprofit” that makes its living off these ridiculous bills.

So far, however, it seems as if the satirical pushes by state politicians are no match for the moneyed ignorance of anti-choice groups and the outright greed of right-leaning corporations.

We’ll see if this sacred sperm idea – uh…sticks.